| |
Canonical Collection of BLONDE Jokes
==============================================
Last Updated: 10/29/94
(Part 20 of 26)
1000. WHY DO BLONDES TYPE EVERYTHING IN CAPITAL LETTERS?
Because they think anything *they* say is important.
Because they're shiftless.
Because they think if they don't shout no one will listen.
Because they don't want to be thought low down.
Because lower-case letters aren't taught until 3rd grade.
Because they were always told to THINK BIG.
Because they've got their heads up their ASCIIs.
999. A sexy blonde girl comes into a bar wearing skin-tight jeans.
I mean, it looks like she must have been poured into them.
A guy at the bar, hoping to strike up a conversation, says, "Tell
me, Miss, how do you get into those pants?" The blonde replies,
"Well, you start by buying me a drink!"
998. A blonde prostitute went into the bank to put away some newly
acquired jewelry. "I happen to know something about jewelry,
Madam," confided the teller, "and I hope you know that these are
not genuine diamonds." "Oh my God!" screamed the blonde.
"I've been raped!"
997. As the man was instructing the new blonde on the great care
required in handling certain valuable household objects, he
pointed to the dining room and said with obvious satisfaction,
"That table goes back to Louis the Fourteenth." "Oh, that's
nothing," the blonde interjected. "My whole living-room set
goes back to Sears on the fifteenth."
996. An airplane was landing at an airport. The blonde pilots had never
been here before. The blonde captain said to the blonde co-pilot,
"That runway looks very short...I'm going to have to go in at a
steeper angle." A few minutes later, the co-pilot observes that
the runway was even shorter than they thought, and advises an even
steeper descent. When they finally land, the co-pilot turns to the
captain and says, "that was incredible. I've never seen a runway
so short." The blonde captain replies, "Yes, but look how
wide it is!"
995. A blonde walks into a drug store and says she wants to buy a condom.
The druggist says, "Fine. That'll be $1.10." "$1.10!?" scoffs the
blonde. "Yes," the druggist says. "One dollar for the condom and
ten cents for the tax." "Tacks?!" hollers the blonde, "I thought
you men rolled them on..."
994. When the tall blonde asked the shoe clerk for help in selecting a
pair of low-heeled shoes, the sales women asked what they were to go
with. "A very short, rich man," she replied.
993. Two blond guys were building a house, one was on the roof and the
other on the ground. The blond guy on the ground knocked the ladder
over and it broke. They continued to work until it was almost dark.
The blond on the roof (the boss, of course) yelled down for the
other guy to get him something up there so he could get down. The
one on the ground looked around, thought, scratched his head,
thought some more (you could tell it was a strain) and finally said,
"Can you slide down a beam?" By this time the boss was irate and
said, "I don't care what it is, get it up here. It's time to go
home!" The grounder pulled a flashlight out of his pocket, turned
it on, and said, "OK, slide down the beam!" The blond boss said,
"Whaddya think I am, stupid or sumpin? I'd get about halfway
down and you'd turn it off!"
992. A blonde went into a public restroom stall and (slowly) read the
sign on the wall that read, "Do not put anything but toilet paper
into the toilet bowl." So the blonde shit on the floor.
991. A blonde entered the confessional, and the priest waited quietly on
the other side of the curtained wall for the blonde sinner to begin
her confession. After a long period of silence, the priest cleared
his throat in an effort to coax the blonde into proceeding. No
response came from the blonde. Father cleared his throat once again
and waited for the blonde to begin her confession. Still, no
response. The priest surmised that the blonde was in a real state
of crisis, and did not have the courage to begin the confession.
The priest quietly rapped on the wall of the confessional, to which
the blonde responded, "Sorry, you're shit out of luck, there is no
toilet paper on this side either."
990. Two blondes had a sure fire way of getting rich, just rob a bank.
So they spend the next three minutes devising their elaborate plan.
When they arrive at the nearest bank they could find, they rush in
the front door and shout,
"OK you MOTHER STICKERS, THIS IS A FUCK UP!"
989. There was a OBGYN who called in his next patient. To his surprise in
walked the most spectacular blonde he had ever seen. Yes she had the
most perfect breasts, and body he had ever seen. Well anyway she got
on the table for her exam. The doctor did the exam and then said,"
I need to NUM you for the next test." She asked, "What's that?" The
Doctor preceded to go to the end of the table and dive between her
legs and went "NUMMY - NUMMY - NUMMY!"
Ella McPherson was a little naive about the ways of the world, and
found that eventually she had to attend a gynecologist. The
conversation went something like this...
EM: Hi doc, I've never been to gynecologist before and I must admit
that I am a little apprehensive.
MD: That's ok. Most women have this problem for a while. The first
thing that I want you to do is strip from the waist down.
EM: WHAT!?! Are you sure.
MD: Absolutely. I *am* a doctor and I need to be able to see you.
EM: Ok. I guess so.
MD: Right. Next, I want you to lie on that table over there.
EM: Are you sure?
MD: Yes. Remember I studied for many years and I *know* what I am
doing.
EM: Ok.
MD: Now spread your legs and put them in these stirrups.
EM: Wait a minute, surely this can't be necessary!?
MD: Yes it is. I will allow me better access and will make the
procedure simpler and quicker.
EM: Ok I guess so, I mean you *are* a doctor.
MD: Now, this instrument in called a speculum [guys, if you don't
know what this is, ask a girl - it will make the joke much
funnier] and it is *VERY* cold. When I stick it in, it is
likely to feel a little strange and might even hurt a bit.
Would you like me to numb you first?
EM: Yes please doctor!
So the doctor sticks his head between her legs and goes...
"NUM, NUM, NUM, NUM, NUM"
988. Do this joke on paper for the best effect:
----------------------------------------------------------------
Four blondes were eating in a restaurant, and when the bill came,
it was $28.00. The blondes scratched their heads for a while,
trying to figure out how to split up the bill, but were unable
to do it. They called the waiter over to help.
The waiter, noting who he was dealing with, and being quick on
his feet, took the opportunity.
"Well," he said, "let's divide"
.----
4 | 28
"Divide 28 by 4, but 4 won't go into 2, so 4 goes into 8 twice,
leaving 0."
2
.----
4| 28
8
----
0
"Now, bring the 2 down, and you have 20, 4 goes into 20 five times."
25
.----
4| 28
8
----
20
20
----
0
"That means you each owe me $25.00", said the waiter.
And the blondes paid him.
After they were outside, one blonde, who was just a little smarter
than the others, decided that they had been screwed. She said "Let's
recheck that math, just like we tried to learn in school." The other
blondes agreed.
"Okay," the smart blonde said, "If we add them up like this:"
25
25
25
25
----
"Then 5+5+5+5=20, and 2+2+2+2=8, and 20+8=28."
The blondes sighed, "He was right."
987. The young blonde woman gave birth to a red-headed baby, without the
benefit of being married. A social worker asked the young mother
whether the father had red hair. "I don't know," said the blonde,
"He never took his hat off."
986. Well, there we were telling our blonde jokes when suddenly,
we were attacked by an irate blonde woman slinging a razor!
We were all frightened but, thank God, it wasn't plugged in!
985. Two Great Danes are sitting next to each other in the vet's waiting
room. One says to the other, "What are you here for?" "I am being
put to sleep," he answered sadly. "Why? What did you do?" "Well,
I lived with this really nice family that had a cute little daughter.
Every day for the last couple of months she would try to get on my
back for a ride, pull my ears, and pull my tail. I finally couldn't
stand it anymore, and I guess I bit her up pretty bad when I finally
attacked her...sigh...What are you doing here?" "Well, I also live
with a nice family and they have a teenage daughter, a gorgeous blonde
teenage daughter! Every day she'd come home from high school
and take a shower...and rub oil all over her body...and lay on the bed
naked...sigh...and rub herself all over! I just couldn't stand it
any longer and attacked her one day." "Oh...so you're here to be
put to sleep too, huh?" "Nope. This blonde is having my nails
trimmed so I won't scratch her next time..."
984. This guy spends the night with a blonde girl he just met at a bar.
In the morning the blonde asks him, "Do you have AIDS?"
He quickly replied, "No way!"
The blonde responded, "Good! I'd hate to get THAT again!"
983. The man was with a blonde woman. He had his finger in her. "Put in
another one," she said. He did. "Put in a third." He did that too.
"Put in your whole hand." Unbelievingly, he did that too. "Put in
the other hand." "You can't be serious," he snickered to the mature
blonde, but he did it. He now had both hands inside of the blonde's
pussy. "Now clap your hands," the lady said. "I can't do that,"
said the man strainingly. The blonde replies, "Tight, ain't I?"
982. A blonde walked up to a man in a bar with her fist out and said,
"I'll suck your cock if you can guess what is in my hand."
The man said, "The Empire State Building." The blonde looked at
him, winked and said, "That's close enough."
981. The blonde showgirls had entertained the troops at a remote army base.
After the performance, the major asked, "Would you girls like to mess
with the enlisted men or the officers?" "Sure! But we would like
to eat first."
980. The blonde and her husband tried for months to conceive a child.
Finally, the blonde, knowing there was no problem with her husband,
decided to consult a gynecologist. She went, and after an extensive
examination, the gynecologist informed the blonde that she had an
insufficient passage, and that if she ever was able to conceive a
child, it would indeed be a miracle. The blonde returned home after
the examination, and there, confronted by her husband, informed him
that the doctor told her that she had a fish in her passage and if
she ever had a baby it would be a mackerel.
979. A blonde woman is walking down the street in a real fur coat. An
animal rights activist comes up to her, enraged, saying, "Do you know
how many animals had to die for your coat?" The blonde replies, "Do
you know how many animals I had to FUCK to get this mink coat?"
978. A blonde went to her doctor,
And he put her on the pill.
He said, "Now use these everyday,"
And she said, "Okay, I will."
She went back three months later,
Her stomach bulging out.
She said, "I used them everyday,
But they kept falling out."
977. The salesclerk of a large electronics department store was
approached by a cute blonde. She was interested in buying a
cordless telephone. The salesclerk showed the blonde the first
cordless model that had a range of over 100 feet.
"Only a range of 100 feet? Jeesh! That won't work," whined
the blonde. "I have relatives out of town."
976. It was the blonde's first trip by airplane, and she was scared
stiff. When the jets began to roar, she gripped the arms of her
seat, closer her eyes tightly, and determinedly counted to one
hundred, although not very successful.
Then she opened her eyes and looked down out of the window.
"Look at those tiny people down below," she marveled to her seat
partner. "They look just like ants."
"They ARE ants," said the man in the other seat. "We haven't
left the ground yet..."
975. A collection of beautiful blondes were tearing down a road in a
hot sports car at about a hundred miles per hour. One young
blonde in the rear seat noticed that the door on her side wasn't
properly closed. Hastily she opened it and slammed it shut.
The blonde driver, without looking up, hollered, "WHO just got in?"
974. A elderly blonde lady refused to board a plane headed for Denver
unless the pilot promised her personally, not to fly above an
altitude of four thousand feet. "Higher than that," she explained,
"my doctors says would be more than my heart could stand."
"But, my dear lady," explained the pilot, "Denver itself is
one mile high."
"Then I just won't go there," decide the little old blonde
lady. "I always thought Denver was on the Ground."
973. Why did the blonde take off her pantys and place her aching cunt
on the table at a fancy resteraunt?
Her date order a plate of red snapper.
972. What is the difference between a hematologist and a blonde?
The hematologist pricks your finger.
971. Did you hear about the blonde who dropped out of nursing school?
She was doing great until she found out she would have to
perform the Hymen-lick Manuever.
970. What did the blonde say when she tried driving stick for the
first time?
"How do you shift this thing?" (you make jacking off motions)
969. Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her
lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?
"Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"
968. How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.
967. What do blondes answer to the question, "Are you sexually active?"
"No, I just lie there."
966. What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle?
Fucking rebel without a clue.
965. Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?
Blondes are crazy enough to kill and they can retain water.
964. What does a blonde owl say?
What, what, Huh?
963. What do you call an unmarried blond in a Porche?
Divorcee.
962. Why don't a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands?
Because the vaccum in her head keeps them in place.
961. What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
An Italian suppository.
960. How does a blonde commit suicide?
She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
959. Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed.
958. How did the blonde die ice fishing?
She was run over by the zambonis machine.
957. What do you call a blonde with a dictionary on her butt?
A smart-ass!
956. Why do blondes wear hats?
So they know which end to wipe.
955. How are blondes like kiwi fruit?
They are brown and hairy in the outside, green on the inside
and eating too many of them will make you sick.
954. Blonde to professional cook: "I have had my turkey in the freezer
for a year and a half. Will it take longer to thaw?"
953. Did you hear about the blonde babysitter?
She's mounted more 4 year olds than Willie Shoemaker.
952. What is the definition of an Elevator?
It's the only thing in the world that doesn't cum when a
blonde goes down it on it!
951. What do blondes use for lubrication?
Tartar Sauce. {Yum Yum!}
|
|