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A man walked into a bar and asked the landlord for a pint of the best.
The landlord pulled the pint and gave it to the man. The man took a
long drink, and then put it down on the bar. Almost immediately
something whipped out from inside the man's jacket, grabbed the pint,
and disappeared back inside the jacket. There was a loud slurping,
and an empty glass appeared back on the bar.
The landlord couldn't really believe his eyes, so when the man asked
for another drink, he watched him very carefully. Sure enough, the
whole procedure was repeated, and the landlord decided to tackle the
man about it.
"Excuse me", he said, "but I couldn't help noticing that there seems
to be something inside your jacket which is drinking your beer. Now
we don't allow children in here, so I'd be obliged if you would leave."
The man looked at him and said, "I'm sorry to disappoint you, but there
is no child in here", and he opened his jacket to reveal an octopus
squirming around inside a large inside pocket.
The landlord was astonished and said, "I'm sorry, but we don't allow
animals in here either, so I'd be obliged if you would leave."
"You don't seem to realize that this is not merely an animal", said
the man, "this is a musical octopus, and he features in my stage act.
Surely you have heard of Mike and his Musical Mollusc? This octopus
is highly trained, and can play any instrument that you care to set
before it." The landlord looked a little dubious, so the man continued:
"I'll tell you what. Let's have a wager. If you or your customers can
produce an instrument that my octopus is unable to play, I will provide
an evening's free drinking to everyone in the bar. Otherwise you
provide me with an evening's free drinking."
The landlord agreed, and announced the competition to all of the
customers in the bar. A hush descended when the landlord suggested
that the octopus would be unable to play the piano which was
standing in the corner.
The man went over to the piano, lifted the lid, adjusted the piano
stool a bit, and put the octopus down on it. Several of the customers
suggested tunes for the octopus to play, and before you could say
Jack Robinson the octopus began to play all of the old pub favourites.
After an hour the man lifted the octopus from the piano stool, and put
him back in his pocket.
"That's enough for tonight", he sais, "Normally he only plays for
twenty minutes, and I can tell he's drying out and getting a bit
distressed." But the deed was done, and the man had a row of drinks
lined up on the bar donated by the other customers. Of course, the
octopus had quite a few too!
The next night the man returned, and was met by the landlord with a
banjo in his hand. The man set the octopus on the bar, and the octopus
picked up the banjo and began picking away. All of the favourite
banjo tunes came out, and again after an hour the man picked up the
octopus and returned him to his pocket. Again the man had a row of
drinks lined up on the bar, and the octopus helped him drink them.
The third night the man returned, and the landlord handed him a
saxophone. The man set the octopus on the bar, and the octopus
picked up the saxophone and played an hour of hot jazz numbers,
easily out-performing Bill Clinton, before the man returned him to
his pocket. Again the man and the octopus enjoyed quite a few pints
of free beer.
The following night the man returned, and the fame of Mike and his
Musical Mollusc had spread far and wide. The bar was bursting at the
seams with people keen to see the amazing octopus play. The man
put the octopus on a chair on the bar so that everyone could see him
and then turned to the landlord for the instrument of the evening.
The landlord smiled gleefully at him and produced a set of tartan
bagpipes from behind the bar. The man remained confident, and passed
the bagpipes up the octopus. The octopus looked at them for a moment,
and then threw himself into them with gusto, but apart from the odd
squeak, drone and occasional farting noise, no music emerged.
The landlord grinned in triumph and asked the assembled throng what they
would all like to drink, because Mike and his Musical Mollusc would
be paying. The bar erupted into a frenzy of voices, and after everyone
had been served the landlord looked up to see the octopus still
struggling with the bagpipes. The man looked sheepish and said, "This
has never, ever happened before, and we've been using this to get
free drinks for about ten years now. As a result, I never carry any
money with me, so I'm afraid that I can't pay for these drinks."
The landlord flew into a rage, jumped over the bar, grabbed the man by
the scruff of the neck and ejected him from the pub onto the pavement
outside. Then he grabbed the octopus, wrenched the bagpipes from its
grasp, and threw him outside as well. The man caught the octopus and
said, "What's wrong with you. Why didn't you play it?"
The octopus looked him sadly. "Play it? I couldn't even get the
knickers off it!"
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